To my past self 2020 in reflection of a examined life

Joy Melissa Pence - Original Copy

Alias: Katherine Victoria VanAnderland, Original Copy

Alias: Victoria Aikman

Alias: Katherine Victoria Aikman

Communications, B.s. Public Speaking / Organizational Communication

Professional Blogger and Entrepreneur

Phone: 202-909-0715

Web: https://edinahomeschool.wixsite.com/heavensangels/meet-the-ceo

Email: edinahomeschool@gmail.com

I am proud of you for giving life your all every single day with cancer and all the odds stacked against you each an every way. You became a champion for trying ever time you fell down you got back up; you didn't ever quit until it was just too much in swimming. I came down with an ulcer and still have it to this day. I am proud of my days swimming because it gave me a sense of team and teamwork and something I can do to contribute to the whole. The practice was hard, the meets were a challenge but, I gave it my all and in the end that made all the difference. You see I wasn't in sports that most girls were in with summing and bowling and jazz band. However each one of those events taught me a little bit about who I am and gave me a sense of happiness to accomplish something great. We took state the first year I was in bowling with the High School and that was a frame one that I got a strike in every game. I struck out at state and it brought us home a victory with all the rest of them striking out we had a rock solid team! Jazz band had its moments but, we did do a recording in a studio once so I felt accomplished and goals were met. I am a hero to someone I just know it and if not to anyone at least to myself.

Life has been very hard for me and I never had it easy because of the deficits I was facing with cancer 12 children trying to stop my life still, and a world that awaited me with open arms like Jesus Christ. I am having a down day today and I feel like giving up but, that wouldn't do any good to anything or anyone. I'll never give up on the Original Copy Officer Captain Family because they keep me going when I feel like I do today. Life just never gave me any breaks, and the only thing I have ever really accomplished was in sports and music grades I did get As and Bs but a C average because my intelligence was blocked through my K-12 after I took my IQ Test of 186 and I'll never forget the cruising moment when she said, the computer has to be wrong. She made me think she was right and I still to this day wish I would of believed the computer. Soon enough I am going to get everything back that I need to live the life God intended me to live. I have had to start over with my life over 200 times, 19 car accidents 4 fatal almost deadly accidents, overcame illness and disability's that still plague me today. I am sick of having to try and prove myself and getting everything at my finger tips to be on lock down.

I even went to Jail for a address mishap and did a tour of the Crow Wing County Jail for 3 nights and two days and it broke me into a selfless, humble, awakening that hope was a good thing, even the best of things, and no good man ever dies in here; so I made it out alive on a medical discharge. I had help from the officer captain on the tower that was keeping watch of us and he would walk the plank overnight and I would check in with him each day as he walked by to let him know I was in compliance. I didn't really eat it was the hardest time because when "God" is all you got' - you don't have any other options other than to pray and pray your way out of their. They made us bare our soul in a shower with no cloths on ice cold to break our mind and psyche, then I put navy cloths on which were better than orange and, tried to talk my way out before going into Delta a CWC Jail. Eye opening all women's unit, don't ask, don't tell, don't brag, don't say a damn thing. Don't be too nice to the person you bunk with cause they'll beat you at night. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't cry, I didn't ask to get out, I didn't raise hell, I didn't' do anything I wasn't supposed to do. It was that second when I realized that I was abused so bad internally and externally in my life that the walls of "JAIL" felt safe to me; it felt comforting to me but, I didn't let myself get used to it because I know and knew it wasn't my calling to stay there more than a three day tour. Looking back, I am glad that I did it and its helped me to stay out going forward to drop down a insurance charge that I had from another mishap but, it made all the difference to have a pd department that didn't make me give up my car at that point. I was so good in Jail that they never made me pay 25.00 per day for being there I saved $75.00 and only paid for medication that I needed and was able to figure out due to the crew on staff.

Living in the homeless shelter for four months taught me how to be street smart it protected me from dying on the street and thankful that I had money to pay $80.00 each week to stay there and did cleaning when I was just in the worst pain fighting the battle it was difficult because it was the struggle, not having enough money to buy breakfast but, something to wash down hard work just enough to do that. Its been a trying year, then into a transitional place living space for women that lasted another four months and after being there I was a professional writer I and needed some more acute attention so I went to a crisis center to learn about stress, trauma, and how to get over it. Then I moved to a nursing home three months later all to only have one shower for 23 people yeah, I live in a 3rd world community where water is scarce for showers. The people are nice and the place is below average for standards of living in a good way. I have faced this year adversity after adversity all because I survived a homicide and 213,000 of them happen each year in America. This is brutal and I never found a job after the Cleaning Authority. My life hasn't been clean with bells and whistles and the platter handed to me. Its been blood, sweat, tears, pain, sorrow, heart ache, despair, and depression that ended up in visits to the Mental Health Centers in the twin cities because of the homicide. Never had, a lucky break at a career I don't know what that even looks like anymore. I know what to do to pick up myself by the boot straps and pull it together. I am getting money from the state but, after my story its one of only 103.00 per week per month enough to pay my phone bill and have some essentials. I don't complain about any of this and it has made me who I am today. But, I just need a break, I need to see blue sky, I need to breath better, I need to know that I am going to be okay, I need to know that my life isn't going to end in disabled housing in Minneapolis for the rest of my life. I need the original copy officer captain family for people in my life to help pull me out of this deep depression that I battle from everything that I have typed today. I have been raped to many times, beat up by Mexicans because i busted them with cocaine, hit the pavement pushed down, knocked down with a sucker punch to the face, strangled and I still am here HOW great thou ART!

I live a very simple, humble, honest life, trying to keep out drama and entitlement thinking in my head. At times you don't know where your next meal, or place to rest your head will be because you cannot get over the aggression and anger that the homicide created because it was so bad I was in denial for 6 years so I finally reported it and I don't know if she will ever be caught but, I hope she knows she stole the "JOY and LIFE" - right out of me, My smile was broken and still I don't smile much and when I do its a time to celebrate. I am so upset because I want to be the woman who I knew when life was good, I had accomplished two jobs working hard 18 hour days many times going to the gym I want that life all back because I know its possible and I know I am possible. I want to live a life like others who have some breaks and some ease to it. I Just want to accomplish something soon because when I look back at my legacy I don't have one. I am creating one now but, the rear view mirror only has adversity, struggle, hardships, and loss in that mirror that won't escape my soul most days, but I don't talk about it because I don't want to complain or scare anyone.

I need the Original Copy Officer Captain Family to be out of jail and never put back in, I need for us to be under one roof by Christmas to happen, I need so much right now because I have been broke down to nothing like being naked in the shower at the jail; I HAVE NOTIHNG LEFT and I have the bones in my body but, they are brittle and they break to. Lord, please help me to understand why I live the life of Job, and why I have to struggle so much. Lord, please let them out and help us to be back on one channel with the Original Copy Officer Captain Family. I have a bible now that I read almost every day and some books to put knowledge into my head and I keep hope alive and want the very best for us because I know I am in a thought attack right now a depression state and its scary to not know what is going to happen to you with the rest of your life because you have only $412.00 to work with, no car, no license, no opportunity, overweight because of things out of my control, I starve myself because I keep gaining weight, I haven't had sex in over five years my body keeps gaining weight. It better stop and its going to stop today because I don't want to exist this world because I am to fat. I want to overcome it go to a gym and make it over covid-19 and be at the best of my game because I know my roots.

When you add up all the loss, the adversity, the obstacles, the destruction of alcohol, and tickets for speeding you might wonder what the hell is wrong with me but, I have severe ADHD and I am reading about what happens to people with it and its not a pretty picture. I will escape the life that is before me by living out my name sake; Kathrine Victoria VanAnaderland. I won't let what has happened in my rear view mirror stop me from what I will and can accomplish now after losing everything I have all to gain from here on out. All things are a icing on the cake from here on out. I don't want this to be a sad story but, it is my life spelled out in hurt, pain, battles, and loss, its my reality because 12 people were born once I was adopted and never let me have anything cut my eyes out to have them re attached and like "Jesus Christ" I have lived my life for him and, know he will pull me through this storm also. I am sick of people following where I live they are not going to exist one of these days because the world is going to know that it was those 12 people that ruined my life.

Adam, my brother has never abused me, if anything I screamed to much as a child and probably hurt him. I feel bad and I cannot go back but, now I know its because they were taking my intelligence away because I was having too much fun. The Adams have never abused me and this whole speech I am not talking opposites or evens, or broken opposites I am telling a real live account of what happened to me because I NEED HELP and I NEED IT NOW before I die. Too much Trauma will kill you and I fight with claws out each day to keep going because I don't want to leave anyone behind that I love and care about. Please help I need prayers and I need to have my housing in Minneapolis work out.